Put the Spark Back in Your Relationship

Maintaining a healthy and happy relationship is not always an easy feat. Great relationships take work. Even the most compatible of lovebirds will encounter cold spells and roadblocks on their journey to "happily ever after."

Fortunately, there are a few simple things you can do to help ensure the success of your relationship:

• Weekly date night: By now, most couples have heard about the "weekly date night" rule. But how many of you have actually taken this advice to heart? Chances are, you tried it once or twice...but then soon abandoned it in the face of kids, errands, and other priorities. Recommit to this relationship rule. You and your spouse need this time to talk, share, and bond. If you are short on time or cash, at least be sure to spend an hour or two together. Take a walk around the neighborhood, or share a few glasses of wine in your backyard. Just be sure to enjoy your spouse without distractions at least once a week.
• Vacation, no kids allowed: While weekly date nights are a great way to begin increasing intimacy, women often need more than just a couple of hours a week in order to truly de-stress and focus on their loved one. Since women are multitaskers, it can be hard for them to disengage completely from their many responsibilities. This is where vacations come into play! Recent studies have found that couples who take just one vacation a year see vast improvement in their relationships. Use your vacation to break away from your day-to-day routine. Relax with your partner and revive your relationship. However, there is one caveat to keep in mind: No kids! You need to enjoy quality adult time. Hire a babysitter or call in a favor with the grandparents -- no guilt allowed!
• I love you, times four: For most couples, saying the words "I love you" can become routine. Rediscover the importance of these three little words by remembering to say them at least four times a day. And don't just repeat them ad nauseam! Find new, exciting, or even funny ways to spout your love for your partner. Try slipping a note in his lunch bag, tracing it in the bathroom mirror after a hot shower, or even just whispering it to her first thing in the morning!
• The ten-second kiss: When was the last time you kissed your spouse? Really, truly, passionately kissed them? Chances are, it's been awhile! However, kissing is a special and important way for you to bond with your partner. Make the time to kiss your partner for 10 seconds every single day. It is bound to feel unnatural at first, but this is just a tool to get you back in the habit of kissing your partner. Before long, you will find that kissing has become a spontaneous and fun part of your relationship again!
• Voice three appreciations to each other: What do you appreciate about your partner? Is he a good father? Is she a great listener? Does he always remember to empty the dishwasher? Does she always have a cup of coffee waiting for you in the morning? No matter what you appreciate about your partner, be it large or small, make sure to voice it! I challenge all of my readers: Tell your partner 3 things you appreciate about them. Make sure to be specific - instead of saying, "I appreciate you for being a good father," say "I appreciate when you read to the kids before bed." Your partner will be blown away by your love and approval!

Now that I have given you some of my tips for a happy relationship, discuss with your loved one what's already working in your relationship and share that with each other...and all the rest of us! What are your tried-and-true tips for a loving relationship?

CROSSING THE LINE:INAPPROPRIATE R'SHIPS

Most people in relationships are well aware of the rules that govern their behavior, such as those of fidelity and monogamy. However, there are important relationship rules that are not explicitly stated, inlcuding behaviors that fall into the "crossing the line" category.

What are some common "crossing the line" crimes?

• Cyber-flirting
• Dirty dancing with people other than your partner
• Buying other girls/guys drinks
• Being too affectionate with members of the opposite sex
• Commenting on the attractiveness of other men/women to your spouse
• Flirting with the waiter/waitress/handyman, etc.

At one point or another, everyone engages in these activities when their spouse is looking the other way. Sometimes it can be hard to resist catching a cute guy's eye on the bus, or flirting and showing off for the pretty waitress.

While most of us never intend to take it beyond that initial flirtation, these behaviors certainly raise a few eyebrows and can cause tension in our relationships. This begs the question: when getting close to crossing the line, where is the point of no return?

Most people agreed that while all of the "crossing the line" behaviors were upsetting, only the overtly sexual behaviors were a cause for concern. For instance, 80 percent of survey respondents stated they would be concerned if their partner danced inappropriately with other people, while only 50 percent stated they would be upset if their partner commented on the attractiveness of passers-by or celebrities.

Apparently, the nuances of sexuality are not deal breakers - we don't expect our spouses to become blind to attractive people just because they are in a committed relationship. Indeed, there is nothing inherently wrong with being attracted to the McDreamys and Angelinas of this world, and most people realize that fantasy and behavior are two very different things.

However, once these daydreams cross over into reality - such as buying other women drinks, keeping a secret stash of porn, or sending secret text messages - the line has been crossed. You might not technically be cheating, but you are depriving your spouse of the emotional energy, trust, and intimacy that your relationship needs to thrive.

More importantly, routinely participating in these "crossing the line" behaviors signals a lack of respect and esteem for our loved ones. Someone who routinely instigates or participates in flirtation with the opposite sex lacks both sensitivity and consideration for their partner's feelings; this can be a red flag for their behavior in the future.

So the next time your spouse isn't looking, rather than sidle up to an attractive stranger, why not use that time to buy your one-and-only a surprise gift or bouquet of roses?

MAKE YOUR PARTNER BETTER IN BED

Somebody once said that sex is like pizza -- even when it's really bad, it's still pretty good. However, those of us who have experienced bad sex know that it is quite a different story. Indeed, in some situations, a case of bad sex can ruin a relationship!

Of course, sex isn't going to involve fireworks every single time. Even the happiest couples experience a dismal round of intercourse every now and again. But if you are routinely having bad sex with your partner, something is certainly amiss! A satisfying sex life is the right of every adult, so if your partner is leaving something to desired, you need to take action.

Here are three tips to get you started on the road to passionate and fulfilling sex:

• Sizzle, don't fizzle: The first step is to discover why you and your partner aren't meshing in the bedroom. Does he skimp on foreplay? Is she passive and bored during the act? These are delicate topics, but rest assured, they can be addressed. Do so with respect and delicacy. Try couching your complaint inside a compliment, such as "I have been thinking about us making love all day. Let's enjoy foreplay before we rush into it." Or, "I love when you are vocal about your pleasure during sex. It really turns me on." Most couples want to please each other in the bedroom, so once they hear what really turns you on, you won't need to tell them twice!
• Bring your "A" game: Unfortunately, when people feel as though their partner is disinterested or disengaged from sex, they too will begin to disengage and lose interest. However, once this occurs, the sex life is doomed to failure! If you want your partner to be a pro in the bedroom, you need to become a pro too. Initiate a new position, confess a fantasy, and indulge in a little erotica together. If you want to turn up the temperature in your sex life, you need to be the one who brings the heat!
• Let go of perfection: Most of us have received our sexual expectations from the media. Whether it is Cosmopolitan, romantic comedies, or adult flicks, we all have certain expectations about what "should" happen in the bedroom. Unfortunately, the media is rarely realistic when it comes to sex. Sex can't always involve hours of foreplay, champagne, and silk sheets. Sometimes it has to happen first thing in the morning while the kids are still in bed, sometimes it has to happen when the house is messy and your legs aren't shaved, etc. Whatever the case, it is time to ditch the perfect image of what we believe sex "should" be. Once you lose the shackles of expectations, you can begin creating your own version of your perfect sex life!

WHY DO PEOPLE CHEAT

In my practice, I encounter adultery and cheating almost every day. Infidelity is a common theme in many relationships -- but the reasons behind it may surprise you.

Cheating is rarely about pure sexual attraction. Infidelity is almost always about more than just sex. Indeed, some of the common reasons that people cheat are entirely based on emotional needs.

Perhaps one of the most common reasons behind infidelity is the need for appreciation. Someone who is feeling unloved or unappreciated may begin looking outside their marriage for sources of comfort and affirmation. Occasionally, these partners even blame their spouses for their infidelity - rationalizing it as, "Well, if he paid more attention to me, I wouldn't have to cheat," or "If she can't give me the love I need, I have a right to seek it elsewhere." However, if you aren't feeling loved or appreciated in your relationship, you need to take responsibility for those feelings and discover what is causing you feel that way. Do you feel unloved because your spouse is spending too much time at work? Are you jealous of your boyfriend's relationship with his female friends? By addressing the true issue and being upfront about personal and sexual needs, couples can keep cheating out of the picture.

Another common reason for infidelity is revenge. Perhaps your partner cheated on you in the past or you merely have suspicions about his faithfulness. This might drive you to try to get back at your partner by committing similar offenses. However, as Gandhi once put it, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." If you have secret anger or bitterness towards your partner, quit hiding it! Make him or her aware of your feelings and decide if you're able to forgive and forget. If you can't, it's better to get out of the relationship rather than stay and cheat.

One often surprising reason behind infidelity is self-destruction. Some people have such low self-esteem that when something good happens to them (such as meeting and dating a great man or woman), they think they don't deserve that gift. In response to such feelings, these people may go out of their way to self-destruct their relationships. Other people keep their feelings hidden, thinking "better to break their heart before they can break mine." Self-esteem and trust issues this extreme may require outside support in the form of couples or individual counseling. If you believe your mate is suffering from such feelings, assist them by offering your love, praise, and affection.

If you want to protect your relationship from infidelity, you must first protect your relationship from the silent killers - jealousy, bitterness, low self-esteem, and mistrust. The only way to do this is through honest communication. Reveal your true emotions and needs to your partner and encourage him to do the same.

RULES OF RELATIONSHIP

Human beings crave intimacy, need to love and be loved. Yet people have much trouble doing so.

It's clear from the many letters I get that lots of folks have no idea what a healthy relationship even looks like. So I'm using this space as an attempt to remedy the problem.

From many sources and many experts, I have culled some basic rules of relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it's a start. Print them out and pin them up on your refrigerator door.

Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.

Know your partner's beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don't want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they'll create it where it doesn't exist.

Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.

Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.

View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That, according to relationship expert Diane Sollee, M.S.W., director of SmartMarriages, an international effort to teach relationship skills to couples, is the value of a team-your differences.

Know how to respect and manage differences; it's the key to success in a relationship. Disagreements don't sink relationships. Name-calling does. Learn how to handle the negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflicts is NOT managing them.

If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don't assume.

Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.

Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on roles cast by the culture. Couples create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails. Because people's needs are fluid and change over time, and life's demands change too, good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.

Listen, truly listen, to your partner's concerns and complaints without judgment. Much of the time, just having someone listen is all we need. It opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own.

Work hard at maintaining closeness. Closeness doesn't happen by itself. In its absence, people drift apart and are susceptible to affairs. A good relationship isn't an end goal; it's a lifelong process maintained through regular attention.

Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you're both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.

Never underestimate the power of good grooming.

Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams.

Never go to sleep angry. Try a little tenderness.

Apologize, apologize, apologize. Anyone can make a mistake. Repair attempts are crucial-highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic-but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy marriage.

Some dependency is good, but complete dependency on a partner for all one's needs is an invitation to unhappiness for both partners. We're all dependent to a degree-on friends, mentors, spouses-and men have just as many dependency needs as women.

Maintain self-respect and self-esteem. It's easier for someone to like you and to be around you when you like yourself. Research has shown that the more roles people fill, the more sources of self-esteem they have. Meaningful work-paid or volunteer-has long been one of the most important ways to exercise and fortify a sense of self.

Enrich your relationship by bringing into it new interests from outside the relationship. The more passions in life that you have and share, the richer your relationship will be. It is unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs in life.

Cooperate, cooperate, cooperate. Share responsibilities. Relationships work ONLY when they are two-way streets, with much give and take.

Stay open to spontaneity.

Maintain your energy. Stay healthy.

Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs and do not ride at a continuous high all the time. No relationship is perfect all the time. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship stronger.

Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself. Don't just run away from a bad relationship; you'll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what part of you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.

Understand that love is not an absolute, not a limited commodity that you're in of or out of. Says Sollee: It's a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before.

COLOURS OF LOVE

Have we learned anything yet about love?

How do I love thee? At least six are the ways.

There is no one type of love; there are many equally valid ways of loving. Researchers have consistently identified six attitudes or styles of love that, to one degree or another, encompass our conceptions of love and color our romantic relationships. They reflect both fixed personality traits and more malleable attitudes. Your relative standing on these dimensions may vary over time - being in love NOW will intensify your responses in some dimensions. Nevertheless, studies show that for most people, one dimension of love predominates.

Answering the questions below will help you identify your own love style, one of several important factors contributing to the satisfaction you feel in relationships. You may wish to rate yourself on a separate sheet of paper. There are no right or wrong answers, nor is there any scoring system. The test is designed to help you examine your own feelings and to help you understand your own romantic experiences.

After you take the test, if you are currently in a relationship, you may want to ask your partner to take the test and then compare your responses. Better yet, try to predict your partner's love attitudes before giving the test to him or her.

Studies show that most partners are well-correlated in the areas of love, passion and intensity (Eros), companionate or friendship love (Storge), dependency (Mania), and all-giving or selfless love (Agape). If you and your partner aren't a perfect match, don't worry. Knowing your styles can help you manage your relationship.

Directions: Listed below are several statements that reflect different attitudes about love. For each statement, fill in the response on an answer sheet that indicates how much you agree or disagree with that statement. The items refer to a specific love relationship. Whenever possible, answer the questions with your current partner in mind. If you are not currently dating anyone, answer the questions with your most recent partner in mind. If you have never been in love, answer in terms of what you think your responses would most likely be.

FOR EACH STATEMENT:

A = Strongly agree with the statement

B = Moderately agree with the statement

C = Neutral, neither agree nor disagree

D = Moderately disagree with the statement

E = Strongly disagree with the statement

Eros

Measures passionate love as well as intimacy and commitment. It is directly and strongly correlated with satisfaction in a relationship, a major ingredient in relationship success. Eros gives fully, intensely, and takes risks in love; it requires substantial ego strength. Probably reflects secure attachment style.

1. My partner and I were attracted to each other immediately after we first met.

2. My partner and I have the right physical 'chemistry" between us.

3. Our lovemaking is very intense and satisfying.

4. I feel that my partner and I were meant for each other.

5. My partner and I became emotionally involved rather quickly.

6. My partner and I really understand each other.

7. My partner fits my ideal standards of physical beauty/handsomeness.

Ludus

Measures love as an interaction game to be played out with diverse partners. Relationships do not have great depth of feeling. Ludus is wary of emotional intensity from others. and has a manipulative or cynical quality to it. Ludus is negatively related to satisfaction in relationships. May reflect avoidant attachment style.

8. I try to keep my partner a little uncertain about my commitment to him/her.

9. I believe that what my partner doesn't know about me won't hurt him/her.

10. I have sometimes had to keep my partner from finding out about other partners.

11. I could get over my affair with my partner pretty easily and quickly.

12. My partner would get upset if he/she knew of some of the things I've done with other people.

13. When my partner gets too dependent on me, I want to back off a little.

14. I enjoy playing the "game of love" with my partner and a number of other partners.

Storge

Reflects an inclination to merge love and friendship. Storgic love is solid, down to earth, presumably enduring. It is evolutionary, not revolutionary, and may take time to develop. It is related to satisfaction in long-term relationships.

15. It is hard for me to say exactly when our friendship turned to love.

16. To be genuine, our love first required caring for awhile.

17. I expect to always be friends with my partner.

18. Our love is the best kind because it grew out of a long friendship.

19. Our friendship merged gradually into love over time.

20. Our love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious, mystical emotion.

21. Our love relationship is the most satisfying because it developed from a good friendship.

Pragma

Reflects logical, "shopping list" love, rational calculation with a focus on desired attributes of a lover. Suited to computer-matched dating. Related to satisfaction in long-term relationships.

22. I considered what my partner was going to become in life before I committed myself to him/her.

23. I tried to plan my life carefully before choosing my partner.

24. In choosing my partner, I believed it was best to love someone with a similar background.

25. A main consideration in choosing my partner was how he/she would reflect on my family.

26. An important factor in choosing my partner was whether or not he/she would be a good parent.

27. One consideration in choosing my partner was how he/she would reflect on my career.

28. Before getting very involved with my partner, I tried to figure out how compatible his/her hereditary background would be with mine in case we ever had children.

Mania

Measures possessive, dependent love. Associated with high emotional expressiveness and disclosure, but low self-esteem; reflects uncertainty of self in the relationship. Negatively associated with relationship satisfaction. May reflect anxious/ambivalent attachment style.

29. When things aren't right with my partner and me, my stomach gets upset.

30. If my partner and I break up, I would get so depressed that I would even think of suicide.

31. Sometimes I get so excited about being in love with my partner that I can't sleep.

32. When my partner doesn't pay attention to me, I feel sick all over.

33. Since I've been in love with my partner, I've had trouble concentrating on anything else.

34. I cannot relax if I suspect that my partner is with someone else.

35. If my partner ignores me for a while, I sometimes do stupid things to try to get his/her attention back.

Agape

Reflects all-giving, selfless, nondemanding love. Associated with altruistic, committed, sexually idealistic love. Like Eros, tends to flare up with "being in love now.'

36. I try to always help my partner through difficult times.

37. I would rather suffer myself than let my partner suffer.

38. I cannot be happy unless I place my partner's happiness before my own.

39. I am usually willing to sacrifice my own wishes to let my partner achieve his/hers.

40. Whatever I won is my partner's to use as he/she chooses.

41. When my partner gets angry with me, I still love him/her fully and unconditionally.

42. I would endure all things for the sake of my partner.

FLIRTING TIPS

Frankly speaking flirting is an art and you need special skills to master it. You do not have to be some beauty queen or a celebrity to make guys fall for you and go gaga over you. All you need is your gorgeous smile and few guaranteed flirting tips like the ones you'll find below to attract the opposite sex.

Rule 1 # Eyes have it all:

Lock eyes with the person you're flirting with for a full five to six seconds, then smile and drop your gaze. Please don't stare at him and make him feel embarrassed. Just give him a soft smoldering look and look away. Do this at least three times in a ten to fifteen-minute period. This way you will make him know that you are interested and approachable.

Rule 2 # Smile:

Smiling is absolutely the most effective tool in your flirting toolbox. Psychology and body language experts agree that one of the most important things you can do to make yourself more attractive (and approachable) is to smile.

Rule 3 # Expose your neck:

One of the most winning flirting techniques a woman can use is the exposure of her neck. This can be done with a head tilt to one side, the classic hair flip or the over-the-shoulder glance. According to body language experts this asymmetrical position attracts attention, exposes your neck, and makes a woman very attractive and sexy. The over-the-shoulder move also sends a signal to your target that he is worth a second look.

Rule 4 # Lip Service:

Both men and women are subconsciously attracted to red, moist lips because they signal youth, sex and fertility. Always wear a red lipstick which not only gives your lips that youthful colour, but also makes your smile more visible and your teeth whiter. A super-shiny lip gloss can also give you an advantage, making your lips look moist and kissable.

Rule 5 # Focus, Focus, Focus:

Once you and your flirting target have started talking, use these tips to deepen the attraction. First, smile and maintain eye contact as you are speaking, and focus all of your attention on what he is saying. If you aren't listening then that shows that you are not interested. Smiling and laughing are crucial here - it's the quickest, easiest way to put another person at ease and make a connection. Finally, another effective flirting technique is low-level touching such as brushing the shoulder or elbow.

"We forget that forgiveness is greater than revenge. People make mistakes. We are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we take while in a rage will haunt us forever.

Pause and ponder. Think before you act. Be patient. Forgive & forget. Love one and all.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them". -- Mother Teresa

TOP 5 SIGNS OF BREAKUP

One day, you are madly in love. You're cuddling on the couch, reading love poems and feeding each other sushi. And that's when it happens: Your partner sits you down for the "It's-Not-You, It's-Me" talk. You're confused and left wondering, "How could I have missed the signs?"

Breaking up is never easy. Your ego and heart are bound to get bruised. But if you could just see the breakup coming, it might make the whole business easier to stomach.

While hindsight is 20/20, there are always warning signals along the way.

Top five signs you're about to get dumped

1. Picking fights. No one is saying you have to get along 24/7. Constructive conflict can actually be good for your relationship. But if you find that your partner has become argumentative over petty issues like your clothes or choice of restaurant, that should serve as a warning sign that he/she may be looking for an excuse to bail.

2. Forgetting to call. Used to be that your phone would ring all day long with your sweetie wanting to make plans or calling just to say, "I love you." Now your significant other doesn't even call when he/she is running three hours late. It may seem obvious, but going from speed dial to a blocked number is a sure sign that your relationship may be nearing its expiration date.

3. Changing their stripes. A major change in appearance can be a sign that your partner is looking toward greener pastures. Whether they've chopped off their hair, lost 40 pounds or gone from a bold brunette to a sultry blonde, major cosmetic changes should be noted. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a little vain, but if the change is accompanied by any of the other signs listed here, you may need to get ready to go solo.

4. Criticizing. If your sweetie isn't feeling you anymore, don't be surprised if he/she becomes less tolerant of everything, from how you brush your teeth to how you tie your shoes. Constant criticism is a telltale sign that your days as a twosome are numbered.

5. Losing sexual interest. A healthy sex life can make or break a relationship. If you find that your partner is becoming more sexually aloof, you need to get to the root of the issue. While it's natural to have less sex as you settle into a comfortable groove together, waiting weeks or months to have sexual contact is a sign that something is amiss.

Now that you know the warning signs, don't panic. Just because your partner exhibits some of these behaviors, that doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is over. In fact, it's usually a combination of signs and not one isolated incident that foreshadows a breakup.

If you're worried that your partner is itching to get out, the most important thing you can do is sit down and discuss your issues in an honest and open manner. If you take these signs as your cue to improve communication, your relationship may just have a fighting chance.